Velcro babies and the academic mom

So I recently got to go to a VIP breakfast fundraiser. I haven't left Peanut with anyone for well, a couple of months now, and she's been stuck to my hip during that whole time. I'm so happy that I have parental leave that I can take so that I don't have to work (yet) and that I'm able to get away once and a while with the help of my family. But it really makes me nervous for next year.

Because I've been using, what I suppose you would call, an attachment parenting scheme to raise her - cosleeping for half the night, breastfeeding, a lot of babywearing, and never letting her CIO, I think I'm starting to really, REALLY feel the side effect of it. Not only is she attached, but so am I.

I mean, it's a very, very good thing. I'm always aware of what she needs and I can accommodate that, and I know what she wants and we work that out too. She's really thriving. She is, however, at this velcro child point where she won't let go of me for anything when she's tired or hungry. It's only when she's distracted and happy that I'm able to shower or eat or anything.

All of this is normal and fine. I know.

And going to the breakfast this morning, I knew she'd be missing a comfort feeding and that she wouldn't have her normal nap once I left.

I also knew that I HAD to go. I need, need, needed to get out of this house. Without the baby. And, my sister was gracious and took care of her and it was wonderful, blissful.

--

But it makes me so worried about the time when I have to go teach and she's staying with someone she hardly knows in a place she's never been. I'm moving away from my family to pursue some degree in something impractical on a whim that one day I might teach this impractical thing to other people like myself.

I have moments when I want to give it up and I start going through government databases for jobs, and dig through the job bank to find something that pays above minimum wage that I'm qualified for. You know what. There isn't much.

Then I think about taking some economics courses, some stats courses... I dream of becoming an actuary (who *dreams* that?) and I stare bleary eyed at the computer at 2a.m. and remember I barely passed my advanced grade 12 math class. Because I was too busy with the newspaper.

I come to my senses as I send myself to bed and snuggle in with the baby for her 2 a.m. feeding. I try to think of a job that will have me working primarily at home or the library for the next couple of years. I can't think of anything other than "grad student." That and part-time librarian.

And, as I drift off to sleep I know that I'll probably have a lot of doubts about any career that takes me out of my home and away from my daughter. And, so I fall asleep with a clear career conscience that this is where I'm supposed to be, for better or worse, or until some better notion comes along.