I think I mentioned before that I'm doing the internet dating thing again. In my case, it's more like, internet finding losers. I don't know what that says about me, as a fellow internet dater. But, really, the internet isn't all that different from real life - just expedited. But, recently there was an interesting guy that emailed me who is discerning his vocation to be a Melkite priest. His email gave me the flutters and I was excited to hear from him. He was smart, down to earth, funny, obviously has a good head on his shoulders...
He wants his future wife to be part of his ministry. And, because I'm a Roman Catholic, I never thought about being married to a priest. I never thought about the implications to home life for the children or me or the ministry. I can see how it would be helpful for him, but I can also see how it would take away from the time devoted to the ministry or family.
For more than one reason, I wasn't interested - distance and his height. Is that shallow? Maybe. But, I just have a certain height range that interests me in a guy. Not shorter than my 5'3 and not taller than...6'4. Shallow, maybe. Anyway - that's a different post, isn't it. So, I was thinking how it would be for my daughter and for me and for him. And I wasn't even thinking about the disparity between eastern and western traditions. And, as I kept thinking I kept getting sadder because I kept finding more and more things that I were turning these butterflies into something else. I think it would be hard for an eastern rite priest to have a wife who was in the roman rite -- don't you think? And, I'm not opposed to marrying someone from a different rite, I just don't feel called to a switch which I feel I'd have to do in this case.Anyway... that's all my thoughts on this matter for now. When it was happening I had more thoughts, like, could I do it? But, now, the more I read and found out about him, no matter how lovely his emails are... I know I couldn't. So, I'm backing out gracefully.
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So I recently got to go to a VIP breakfast fundraiser. I haven't left Peanut with anyone for well, a couple of months now, and she's been stuck to my hip during that whole time. I'm so happy that I have parental leave that I can take so that I don't have to work (yet) and that I'm able to get away once and a while with the help of my family. But it really makes me nervous for next year.
Because I've been using, what I suppose you would call, an attachment parenting scheme to raise her - cosleeping for half the night, breastfeeding, a lot of babywearing, and never letting her CIO, I think I'm starting to really, REALLY feel the side effect of it. Not only is she attached, but so am I.
I mean, it's a very, very good thing. I'm always aware of what she needs and I can accommodate that, and I know what she wants and we work that out too. She's really thriving. She is, however, at this velcro child point where she won't let go of me for anything when she's tired or hungry. It's only when she's distracted and happy that I'm able to shower or eat or anything.
All of this is normal and fine. I know.
And going to the breakfast this morning, I knew she'd be missing a comfort feeding and that she wouldn't have her normal nap once I left.
I also knew that I HAD to go. I need, need, needed to get out of this house. Without the baby. And, my sister was gracious and took care of her and it was wonderful, blissful.
--
But it makes me so worried about the time when I have to go teach and she's staying with someone she hardly knows in a place she's never been. I'm moving away from my family to pursue some degree in something impractical on a whim that one day I might teach this impractical thing to other people like myself.
I have moments when I want to give it up and I start going through government databases for jobs, and dig through the job bank to find something that pays above minimum wage that I'm qualified for. You know what. There isn't much.
Then I think about taking some economics courses, some stats courses... I dream of becoming an actuary (who *dreams* that?) and I stare bleary eyed at the computer at 2a.m. and remember I barely passed my advanced grade 12 math class. Because I was too busy with the newspaper.
I come to my senses as I send myself to bed and snuggle in with the baby for her 2 a.m. feeding. I try to think of a job that will have me working primarily at home or the library for the next couple of years. I can't think of anything other than "grad student." That and part-time librarian.
And, as I drift off to sleep I know that I'll probably have a lot of doubts about any career that takes me out of my home and away from my daughter. And, so I fall asleep with a clear career conscience that this is where I'm supposed to be, for better or worse, or until some better notion comes along.
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Some posts coming up:
What would it be like to be married to a priest?
VIB: Very Interesting Breakfast
Velcro baby and the academic mom....
that's all for now.
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As Holy Week is about to start, I am not sure if I will be posting a lot. I've been trying to stay as internet-free as possible this Lent and it's been good for me.
I seem to have found new introspectives (is that a word?) about things and I do notice that the days I spend the least amount of time online, and the least amount of time with the tv on, Peanut is the happiest and makes the most strides in all her endeavors. We're still working on signs and she's got a growing vocab of signs that I'm thrilled about and she's standing on her own a lot too. The ever-increasing mobility is tiring for me. I've also been trying to eat according to the food guide as much as possible. Mostly because I realize that if I'm not losing the weight that I need to, I might not be getting enough calories in a day. We've both been sick with a nasty cold for close to two weeks now and it's the second round of bad colds in a little over a month. I cannot wait to get out of the house and into the fresh spring air. Not that we've had much of that until yesterday.
Anyhow, I shall be back with greater strength soon. I hope. :)
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I'm off facebook for Lent, but I've also been trying to stay away from all internet stuff. But, here I am. This is my coping mechanism for facebook. Remember, way back when, before facebook, when I used to blog?
Here are the quick and dirty random bullets:
- I've, slowly, slowly, started internet dating again. Yeah.... I know. I just don't get out much, y'all. The count so far is one nice guy that I like, a former seminarian who seems great. The bad... one nice guy who has decided he likes to bring up sexual things in chats late at night. IGNORE. Another guy, more than 10 years older than me, who tried to get me interested by saying that he had academic contacts so if I ever wanted to get a job I'd have an in... Oh, and a bunch of other weirdos. I thought I had nothing to report.
- Peanut is threatening to walk.
- My house is a right mess and today I had a really hard time with the mess. I was frustrated and overwhelmed and I was pretty down about it. I have these goals that are coming and going about budgets and dishes and laundry. I have started thinking that because my baby is older, now I should be able to do it all on my own, yknow? But, then I had a nap, smartened up, and called my Mommy to come and help me tomorrow. I feel like a loser, but I will feel like less of a loser when my house is clean.
- I have several projects underway and lots of things to send to people by snail mail -- but in the last couple of weeks, I've had bronchitis, throat infection and an ear infection -- and so has by baby. SO... I've gotten nothing done. This contributed to my previous bullet.
- The day the baby had a fever of 103, all day, there was water in my bedroom from outside. Now, my bedroom smells musty and I want to get the landlord in here to look at it. My landlord said to me -- oh yeah, that happened before. Let me know if you want it cleaned up.
- Once the baby clothes are put away, I will be calling him again. ARG. I feel paralyzed by all this STUFF.
- All in all, this Lent has felt like a real desert. I guess that's good for Lent, and I guess a walk in the desert is important once and a while.
- Why do I not know how to spell desert?
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Now that Peanut pulls up to standing, everywhere, I had to lower the crib mattress today. I have been putting it off, but because when I was just under seven months I was climbing out of the crib, I decided to get down to it today.
She's in there now, playing while I write. Until I get a playpen that I can figure out, I will just have to have my 15 minutes of peace in the mornings this way.
Note to self: getting child to bed earlier tends to help her to sleep longer.
ETA: we've started this separation anxiety phase that I'm not sure is part of the AP plan, but I'm plodding through. Most of the time it's fine, but I'm dreading visiting family while this is happening. I get enough comments about how I'm spoiling her already for picking her up when she cries.
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I did a 25 things meme on facebook that has taken the world by storm in good and bad ways. I've decided to write about things that I didn't on facebook here. Just so the blog would be graced by this phenomenon.. :) Also, I like to be self indulgent once and a while. I blog, after all, don't I?
- I am a serial monogamist.
- I am currently single, and this makes me oddly calm and peaceful.
- I love and am more in love with my daughter than I have ever been with any other person. Sometimes when she falls asleep and smacks her lips together in satisfaction, not unlike a toothless grandmother, my heart swells so much I'm sure I must be close to Heaven.
- I am constantly aware of calories. Am I getting enough, am I eating too many.
- My neighbors are loud, but I don't tell them to be quiet, because it makes me feel like I have extended family living above me.
- I indulge in things like blogging, Gossip Girl, Britney Spears, fancy cupcakes...
- For a long time, I was pretty duplicitous and attracted drama. I was always waiting for a rock bottom to crash into. Many of those came and went. It took seeing a positive pregnancy test to teach me that I was worth more than the chaos I surrounded myself with. I didn't know until then that I was deserving of peace. Being entrusted with the gift of another life made me realize a lot of things.
- I still wonder, though, that if I had been trusted by more people when it really counted if it would have gotten to that point. I give people many chances to prove themselves, and I have a hard time understanding when others don't treat me reciprocally.
- I have a high tolerance for annoying, mean, and cruel people. Until they go after someone else.
- I tend to stand up for people even if I can't stand them. Even if they don't deserve it. I've been trained to take the stance of the underdog by many years of "turn the other cheek" and "stand up for the little guy" mentalities. That, along with my tendency to trust people I shouldn't, has frustrated a lot of the people close to me. Maybe a better way to explain it is that I play the devil's advocate but don't always know when to stop.
- I don't know what games to play with my daughter because she's bored of all the ones we did today. Everyday I have to make up something new and every night I'm a little worried that she will have nothing to do but fall off furniture tomorrow.
- Other than that, I think I'm a fantastic mom. I have had baby ache since I was 17, and it's subdued a bit with Peanut hanging out. Just a bit.
- I might be a borderline shopaholic. I just don't let myself shop very often. I know someone who has a room full of clothes with tags still on them and so when I go to buy something I picture that room and it helps me to not buy it. Sometimes.
- Thrift stores are the worst. That and book stores.
- I love sneezing. Don't you?
- A close friend of mine has recently shut me out of her life. I tell myself that it's because of her new relationship, but I think it's because I'm a mom and I'm not married and it doesn't fit into her circle.
- I want to spend a year in Paris. Or Madrid.
- I was teased once for singing on the playground and had paralyzing stage fright for nearly ten years.
- I'm not unaware of the melancholy tone of this list, but that wasn't really what I intended. I am also aware that this is the requisite self-aware, meta-whatever number 19. At this point on these lists people usually comment on the list. Have you noticed that?
- I want to save money so that I can send my daughter to a good school. Or just homeschool her.
- I'm choosing not to save for her university education in favour of paying for my own education.
- I wish I got Kanye's new CD. I like it, but I prefer the other stuff he's done.
- I used to have a big problem with nail biting. It's not so bad now.
- I almost spoiled a ballot. Twice. On purpose. Then didn't. Twice.
- I have plans to live with a friend next year when I go back to school and I'm worried about that chance that things might go sour. But, more than that, I'm happy that it will be like having a bit of family around.
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I am really frustrated with breastfeeding right now because Peanut has teeth and she thinks it's a game to catch me off guard and bite at the end of a feeding. I think I raelly need to get on this solid food business a little more, because I think it's meaning less milk for her.
In other news, she's tried to walk on her own but has no balance to do so. And she's also dove off a change table. And, she fell off my bed. And she's decided she wants to climb everything. It's a lot of fun, but now I've started taking naps at the same time she does all of the time, which means my house is a disaster and I'm getting no school work done.
She had needles today and doesn't seem to be phased by it.
I think I'm going to take on house cleaning tonight. Why? Well, on my way home from MacDonalds while Peanut slept after her needles, on the radio came that U2 song Still Haven't Found What I'm looking for.. or whatever it's called. And I was thinking, you know, I haven't found what I'm looking for either. I thought, well, is it love? I haven't found what I'm looking for there either... but I can't do much about that in one night. Am I still hungry? Well, that's silly because I just ate a cheeseburger happy meal. And nuggets. And maybe a few spoonfuls of hot fudge sundae. (Don't judge.) So, what is it that's not sitting right with me? What will satisfy this hunger I have.
And then I got it.
A clean apartment. Yes, that just might do it.
Odd. Very odd.
This might have something to do with baby proofing. Or something.
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This has been a week of milestones. Peanut has two teeth, and can sit up on her own.
She's crawling up a storm and I can hardly keep up with the mess.
In other news, I don't feel like I have a home on the internet anymore. I've been living more in the real world, and while I don't feel totally like I'm at home there without a little web, I don't know where to go to.
I used to have blogging, and then it was facebook, and then it was my babyfit bunch... but now, I'm just sort of coasting. Is that how you spell coasting? Or is that like shore-ing? I dunno. Too lazy to run spellcheck.
I want to paint. I just might do some of that.
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peanut got her first tooth today!
:)
this post is mostly for me...so that I remember the date.
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