(is there any other kind of writing at this stage in my life?)
Re: ppd post -- I will be getting things checked out when I feel they get more overwhelming than they are.
I had a whole lot of thoughts, and then I sat down to the computer. But, then I realized that my sleep is likely more important at this stage in the game. The baby has been asleep two hours and I'm not asleep yet, and this is a problem since tomorrow is a busy day.
I hope you all have a happy Halloween and I can't believe that it's Halloween 2008 already. I can't believe that tomorrow I'm going around with my little tomato pin cushion child to see her grand parents and great grandparents and it was all a very stressful thing to plan. And, still, we're flying by the seat of our red costume pants.
So, instead of writing a bunch of babbling thoughts, I'm off to bed.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
writing when I should be sleeping
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Whew.
So, I was pre-approved for interest relief and I just need to fill out the paper work. Student loans is normally a thorn in my side, but today they were great. And seemed genuinely happy to help me.
Then, I looked in my bank account and it was child tax benefit day! And I got my retroactive UCCB and CCTB payments. And I get my Mat leave benefits tomorrow.
THANK THE LORD.
And the Canadian government.
I was really starting to feel pinched.
Now... all I need is that maternity bursary I was promised by PhD U. When that happens I will feel that all is well in (my) financial world.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
54 day novena
I've decided to do this again. The last time I did this, it was really hard. I lost some things I loved and gained new things I love. I healed a lot of wounds, and in the process new wounds formed. But, in the end, I was a happier person.
I'm gonna try again. I didn't do it perfectly last time, and I likely won't get it done perfectly this time either. But, I'll do what I can.
Info on the novena here.
This particular rosary novena will be prayed starting Monday, every day for 27 days in petition for the intention and then pray a rosary every day for another 27 days in thanksgiving for the intention, in anticipation and faith that it's already been granted. The Novena ends on December 12th which is the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe.
Maybe I'll track some of it with the blog - but mostly I'm writing about it because I want to share with people this interesting form of prayer. I've found the rosary, although I dont know if it's the reason behind it, to be very theraputic and meditative -- with all the repitition. It's quite calming to me, and often, I fall asleep. I'm going to have to work on that part.
Nevertheless, it seems interesting to me, to have a series of meditative, contemplative prayers within the constraints of a novena. And then to extend it. It feels like a mini retreat, because there is a set time frame for the prayer. It has a middle and an end. It's just interesting.
But, seriously, I'll have to work on the falling asleep part.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Attempts at Cohesion
Yesterday, all I could think was that I was wondering if an adoption agency would let me adopt a child. I don't want to collect children and make life tough for them on a grad student (ok, EI) salary. But, I also want a family. I realize that I'm meant to care for kids. I'm not perfect, but I'm good at this job. My heart has multiplied with Peanut's arrival and I kept thinking, if I don't get married and have another child in the next five years, that I'll do everything I can to adopt a child and give Peanut a brother or sister.
That was yesterday.
I tidied my house and a got the lend of a deep freezer for freezing things. There isn't anything in it yet. But there will be soon. I played with my daughter. I was extra careful to reply to her baby coos and to make sure I responded to her quickly. I changed her diaper even when I thought she could go a little longer without the change. I made real whipped cream to eat with my homemade pumpkin pie. I shopped for coupons.
And while I know that I am trying to be coherent, I'm only a shadow of what I want in life. I love being at home with my daughter. I'm not going to rush back to work. But, I want her to have a brother or sister some day. I hope, dear God I hope, more than one. But it's just that I have a hard time seeing myself in this role as single mother. I don't know what that means for my future relationships. I don't know what that means for her future in a family. My family loves her so much, and I know that she'll be fine. But I don't want her to be just fine. I want to be able to give her what I had. Minus the craziness. She can have craziness, just not the craziness I had.
But, I have to be coherent, right? I am faking it. Faking it until I make it. Because, in my mind - sometimes - I'm still the girl back in PhD U city. Dating a great guy, in school. Living life the way grad students live. Some parts of my mind are still there. So, as much as I am a mother. As much as I love being her mother. Part of me hasn't caught up with the speed of my life. I don't want to go back there. Not without my daughter. But, I really want those spaces of my brain to catch up with me in the here and now. Come on grad student self. This is reality.
I want to shake sense into the bits that are still holding onto those dreams and thoughts. Then I want to shake the pessimism out of the one who's doing that shaking. I can have it all dammit. Isn't that what I've been talking about since the beginning of this blog? That you can have a family and be in grad school.
It's just all so different when you are a woman and you aren't married.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Power of prayer
I don't know if it was prayer or suggestion or just will power (ok, not likely will power, that's not my strong point), but I've recently made a big step in my life. Yes, I'm bragging about this here. So shoot me.
There was a poisonous person in my life and I was getting really sick of always getting wrapped up in arguments and well, any sort of conversation with this person. And I was at Mass with a hot and fussy baby, who was fussy because I was hot and frustrated over a conversation to let the baby CIO (cry it out) with this poisonous person. I couldn't understand WHY it got me so frigging mad. How this person could just get. under. my. skin. all. the. time. I thought, towards God, rather than praying.
[Praying is hard when you're holding a hot and fussy baby. Unless you're praying for the baby to stop]
And I thought, Ok, make this person go away. I dont care if it means we fight and I have to tell them what I really think of them. I don't care if I have to be a little mean. I can be a little mean because it will mean peace, eventually. Bring it on. Just bring it. I am so sick of this person in my life. They're poison. Life is good, and I wish they weren't in my life. They've ruined too much of my spirit for things.
And. Then, that week. We got into a conversation about something. I don't really remember what. And then, all of a sudden, this person is saying. "Wow, I never really believed you thought that about me. Huh. Well, I guess that makes a lot of sense then. You really think that. Imagine. Huh. Wow." Etc.
And, I said, well, yeah. Kinda. I don't mean to be mean, but I see x and y, and z. And those three things combined mean xyz to me. I'm sorry if it hurts, but that's just the reality of it for me.
And this person hasnt' talked to me since. And it's been, like, two weeks. I feel peace.
I've been struggling with this poisonous personality for a long time. The manipulation was driving me crazy. I didn't want to lie about what I thought about it anymore. I was done. And just by being honest I drove this person away. There are lots of good things about this person, but none of those good things are enough to make this person a good person to be around. It wasn't until I was like, OK God. Do it your way. Whatever you want. I'll just be honest and cohesive.
That's something I need to be working on. Cohesion in my life. Yep. And I think that being a mom full time helps with that. One thing. It might mean I'm being defined as one thing for now, but at least I'll know who I am as a mother, and begin to learn who I am in general too. I feel like I've been living more cohesively since I got pregnant. But, it's important now as I'm starting to steo out of my mommy cucoon more and more to stay that way.
More babies
No, I'm not pregnant again. But I know that three people in my OBs practice were pregnant again at their 6 week checkup. In one week. I love babies, and I don't know why people would think this was horrible. I mean, it could be a bad surprise for a lot of people. I get that. But, I don't get why other doctors were telling people about that.
Apparently my OB tells people "Don't come to your next check up pregnant, now!" I mean. But, what if the woman wanted to? Anyway. When someone told me this, I remembered her telling that to me at the hospital, and I remember staring at her blankly because, well, I'm not even seeing anyone. Peanut's father is not involved. At all. And so, yeah. I remember now. I think I was still kinda drugged up. And exhausted. So it didn't stick out in my mind.
==
But all of this was not why I was posting.
I was posting because a young person in my family, not my sister just fyi, who's only 18 is having a baby in April. Her emotional age is also much younger than 18. And, of course, it's all hush hush and mum and "have you heard the latest" in a whisper around the place over this weekend. I found out from a cousin, who has a "learning disability" which is the fam's nice way of saying she's mentally challenged. She confided in me because lately she's been coming over to visit Peanut, and that makes me her new favorite cousin. She was telling me about this other family member's baby and I knew she wasn't really supposed to tell me but it was just such a happy thing for her that she wanted to share. Apparently some people are saying that it's a horrible thing. And, yes, it's unfortunate. But what I think is unfortunate about the situation is her readiness. Her grudges that she has against some people. That the "inlaws" and the immediate family situations are weird. There's just a whole lot of weirdness.
Like the mother of this pregnant teen going away with her new boyfriend for thanksgiving and she and her sister's having thanksgiving dinners with their respective boyfriends places. Both basically living with their teen-type boyfriends and their parents. Her father working a gazillion hours and not living with either child. OH it's weird.
==
There seem to be a few examples of family members, my aunts/uncles, who abandon their children here and then run off for jobs or to find themselves, before their children should be on their own. I know some 16 year olds who are ready to live on their own. But, not many. This will be the third extended family member who's mother just kinda, wasn't around, when she was young, single and pregnant.
==
This is thanksgiving weekend in Canada. And I realize right now, how thankful I am that I have the family I have. Peanut. Me. And alll the rest. Even the ones I don't always agree with.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
I'm not a bible scholar - so bear with me here
The Lords Prayer translated from Aramaic into English, rather than from Aramaic to Greek to Latin to English:
O cosmic Birther of all radiance and vibration!
Soften the ground of our being and
carve out a space within us where
Your Presence can abide.
Fill us with your creativity so that we
may be empowered to bear the fruit
of your mission.
Let each of our actions bear fruit in
accordance with our desire.
Endow us with the wisdom to produce
and share what each being needs to grow and flourish.
Untie the tangled threads of destiny that
bind us, as we release others from the
entanglement of past mistakes.
Do not let us be seduced by that which would
divert us from our true purpose, but illuminate
the opportunities of the present moment.
For you are the round and the fruitful vision,
the birth-power and fulfillment,
as all is gathered and made whole once again.
Ok. Someone posted this on facebook. I had written a long detailed, carefully crafted response and then I somehow hit the backspace button and went back a page and then my post was gone.
I thought it might be providential. So, here I am. Looking for your thoughts.
It seems to be a really great example of really bad textual studies techniques. This "translation" was obviously done by someone with an agenda. And it bugs me.
Monday, October 06, 2008
60 years ago
60 years ago yesterday my grandfather joined the army.
